Finding Home

I already spilled the beans in a prior post that we are moving. Thankfully, after a somewhat tumultuous negotiation, all appears to be on schedule. Barring any further bumps, we should be in our new home sometime during the first half of April.

Consequently, we have already started packing!

This very VERY long story really started two years ago.

In fact, it was two years ago this week, after 10 months of preparation and 2 failed attempts, we found out that we were preggers. Remember this post here? I sure do. It was one of the best days of all our years!

Our life and our bustling home have been overwhelmed with copious blessings during that time; however the ‘stuff’ that has come along for the ride has torpedoed us towards an existence among the clutter.  We used to have a living room…HONEST!!

24 months ago, our to-be children had moved from the dreams in our heads to the wombs of two extraordinary strangers 8,000 miles away, even if they could still fit on the tip of a pin.

Today, trying to keep our trio safe and entertained in our rapidly shrinking home has become a real challenge. It is predictable, if not incredible, to think about the additional contents in our home over that time, especially in the last six months as the acceleration of mobility and exploration has forced an era of attempted contained engagement.

Since the moment we found out we were expecting more than one child, we knew our current home’s days were numbered. With the addition of our children and au pair, our family of 2 became a family of 6 practically overnight…not to mention our 3 pups.

That, coupled with the sale of our other homes, created an avalanche of worldly possessions that literally bursts out of every morsel of storage we pretend to control.

Frankly, trying to keep some form of daily order amongst all the STUFF can be very stressful.

Thank goodness for porn in times like these!

God bless the age of the internet! Free pictures! Free videos! With a few clicks, you can become a no-charge voyeur, at the stuff of dreams!

Who doesn’t want something bigger!?! If it’s properly manicured, well built, and has a dreamy view, what’s the harm in a quick peek? Right?!?!

I especially like the really, really old ones….

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ S-C-R-E-E-C-H ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Okay, I admit I may have led you there but get your minds out of that dirty gutter!!!

I’m talkin’ ‘bout Real Estate Porn!

Ironically, there IS a story about a donation room and a DVD that is the real start of our family. Would it be weird if you knew your conception had an unusual connection to Jeff Stryker?!? By the way, we saw him strolling the streets of Provincetown a few years ago…boy oh boy, time has not been friendly to him. He looks like a tired piece of leather that was left out in the rain! But I digress….

Anyway, our friend Fiamma often forwards emails of homes from around the globe. Often they are fantastically overdone and expensive but just as often they are modest, quirky, or unbelievable.

Try it! The next time you are feeling a bit stressed, pull up your favorite realtor site and click away. I promise you’ll be dreaming in no time at all. 

To be fair, ‘Real Estate Porn’ was coined by our friend, who could also be easily known as my real estate enabler.

Truly!

FACT – the last home I purchased was because I tagged along with her and her husband when they were house hunting. They loved the second home on their tour that day, but I loved it more.

Even though at that time we already owned a weekend home in Cape Cod, I convinced Paul that night that we needed a new project, dragged him to see it, and voila…we purchased an antique farm house on 6 acres!

We closed on that house in March of 2009 and by mid-April Paul had watched an episode of Oprah and put the India/Baby plan into full force. I largely ignored his planning because let’s face it, at first glance it did sound more than a little loopy! And besides, I was busy wallowing in the glow of the hunt for newfound treasures that perfectly complimented our cozy weekend escape.

Fast forward to the summer of 2010 and we sold our Cape Cod house when we were in our 2^nd trimester, knowing we’d rarely be able to use it once the babies arrived.

We tried to convince ourselves that 'just' two homes would be fine to manage but by the girls first birthday, the cold reality of the oil/vinegar mix of multiple homes and multiple babies smacked us in the face…hard! It was simply too complicated to maintain, or even enjoy, a weekend place. 

Despite the worst real estate market in a few decades, we listed the home last September. We were lucky. It sold within a month and closed by the middle of November.

For the first time in 12 years, we only owned one home. Simplification where possible was the mantra. Instead of paying for the maintenance of a home we couldn't really enjoy, it was time to allocate some of our budget towards the college fund. (It's making me sweat just thinking about those bills in 17 years!)

Paul, who barely shares an ounce of my excitement for real estate shopping, made it perfectly clear that he did not want to see or hear about any new houses until (or if) we sold our current home. He basically forbade me from looking at homes online...and likewise told Fiamma she would be in trouble if she sent me any emails!

I nodded dutifully and while I truly intended on listening, I promptly and completely ignored his wish. Within days of selling the farm house, I was on the prowl!

(REALLY - I may need a 12 step program!!!)

The reality is that we both know our house is now too small and as the girls start climbing over things, we are finding it more and more challenging to contain them. AND, the logistics of selling our home before we were to move would be exceptionally challenging.

We live in a funny world and I prefer to not have strangers making their way through our house and seeing the life of 2 men and 3 baby girls as the backdrop to a potential sale. AND, our house is a genuine m-e-s-s. WHAT self-respecting gay man would entertain anyone in a home that looks like this?!?!

So, ‘click-click-type-click-enter’, and within minutes, I found a fantastic home that instantly brought me into a euphoric dream of possibilities.

It is a contemporary home 15 miles north with a fantastic broad view of the Hudson river and Tappen Zee Bridge, lots of bedrooms and bathrooms, a solarium, a chef’s kitchen, over 4,000 square feet of outdoor deck space, and – wait for it – I promise it’s worth it – A MOTHER-LOVING INDOOR POOL!

Was it good for you too? I think I need a minute to have a cigarette! 

Without telling a soul, I made an appointment to see the home on my way home from work one day. No harm in looking, right? Let’s call this house number 1 for the purposes of this story. Keep in mind, this was the middle of November, literally days after I closed on the sale of the farm house and promised Paul that we would wait to decide what we did next.

I arrived and fell madly deeply! The house was magnificent and could easily accommodate our family, with a few qualifiers.

You see, this home had a long driveway that wound its way, with a zig zag, from the main road to the front door, essentially on the side of a mountain.

Let me try that again, the F**ING driveway is steep and scary as Sh*t!!!

Keep an open mind; I tried to explain to myself.

There are 2 other obstacles that I note in my head.

1)      The master bedroom was on the top level. Being a contemporary home built on the side of a cliff, there were 4 levels of living space and the bedrooms for the girls are 2 levels below that. The agent assured me that this may seem like an obstacle now but would be a GIANT plus when the girls reach a certain age. Alright, I’ll buy that. It would suck for now when there is a middle of the night issue but I think I can get beyond that.

2)      The pool is a spectacular and well done room, surrounded by full glass doors that all slide open onto one of the many decks with those expansive views. However, while I have rarely met a pool I didn’t like, my instincts are to be nervous about a pool accessible from the living room and three always-exploring children…or even their eventual friends who come to the house. On one hand, how cool to have the fun house where the girls friends always want to hang out but on the other, I’ve heard too many terrible stories of responsible parents who happened to own a pool. Accidents happen. I am surely over thinking this…right?  I conclude that our girls will be Olympic swimmers and credit the year-round pool in their home to their success. And, in any event, we could hold swim classes in our house every week.

After spending an hour at the house, I made my way home decorating each room in my head. I am careful to leave the brochure in the car as to not raise any suspicion. I feel a little bit dirty with my secret even if know I likely won’t be able to keep it very long.

After we get the girls to bed, Paul and I are sitting down for dinner and I asked him curiously, what were the ideal requirements he would want in our next home.

He first reminds me that we are not looking for a new home (whatever!). He nonetheless proceeds with a list that nearly matches word for word the description of the house I just saw!!! I am pleasantly surprised with his list and meekly share that I have just the house he is looking for with all of the trimmings he just described.  

To my surprise, he doesn’t get angry at me and actually wants to see some photos.

"As a matter of fact, in my car, I have a few to share!"

He likes the house. And, to my further surprise he agrees that I can set up an appointment for him to see it too. He goes out of his way to make sure I understand that we are only looking at this one house. (sure…whatever!) We set the appointment for a few days later but before we go, I explain that the driveway is going to get a reaction.

I think I told him to imagine a REALLY REALLY scary driveway. 'Put a big 'Z' on the side of a mountain,' I tell him. 'Now, imagine it’s scarier than you just imagined.' And when I confirmed he did that, I simply said, ‘it’s worse than that!’

Driveway aside, he loved the house as much as I did and had the same reservations I already highlighted. 

We left with a promise to think about it further.

Even if he didn’t say it, I knew that Paul would never let me buy a house – especially in this market – without canvassing the inventory available. Before the end of that day, I had identified a handful of other choices to consider but more importantly scheduled an agent to visit our current home to convince Paul we have to move out before we try to sell it.

By the next week, we’ve agreed that we have to move before we sell and we’re officially looking for our next home….and Paul is reluctantly but nonetheless on board!

Isn’t this fun?

I am positively giddy with my double-clicking self as I canvass every eligible home within a 20 mile radius with our specific requirements.

It didn’t take long before I found house number 2. It is nearby house number 1 and sounds absolutely perfect! It’s the right size, better priced than house number 1, looks fabulous, had no visible scary driveways, and sits right smack in the middle of the area we agree would be ideal to raise our family.

I should mention this important part of our search. Since we are a non-traditional family, I am especially cognizant of where we should plan to raise our family. Other same-sex parents have advised us to simply, ‘live somewhere where there are other families that look like yours.’

It may sound trivial and I certainly do not want to insulate my family from the reality of a sometimes unkind and ignorant world, but their words resonated with me. What is important to us, above a beautiful house, is that we can have a beautiful home that our family can peacefully exist and thrive. We want to keep our search narrow and specific and make sure we live in a good school district where arts are celebrated and we wouldn’t be the first non-traditional family to cross the doors of the kindergarten.

Anyway, here is the description on the ad for the house number 2:

You are invited to see this spectacular home on 1.53 acres just 12 miles to GWB. You know you have arrived when you go past the entry porch adorned w/columns, "Gone with the Wind" staircase, library, formal DR w/ butler's pantry, gourmet kit w/Viking appliances, 2 Frplcs, Brazilian cherry wood floors and a master suite w/sumptuous marble spa bath.

I asked my agent to set up an appointment as soon as possible. She heard back from the homeowners that the house has been taken off the market temporarily because the owner has been very ill.

'That is very sad,' I think to myself. (And then the greedy bitch real estate part of me thinks, ‘...tell me….exactly how sick?’)

Anyway, we move on and see a handful of homes that all can be easily eliminated and then find an enormous, dusty, vacant gem in an affluent town filled with McMansions. This is house number 3.

I really REALLY hate this kind of neighborhood. However, with our closets busting in our current home, the appeal of lots of space - excessive space really - warrants a look. For Paul on the other hand, it makes his heart go pitter-patter at the prospect (challenge?) of filling them.

It is a well designed 6 bedroom Tudor with a 3 car garage on a flat acre with a multi level deck overlooking the property. The inside is dated. It’s been two decades since the fixtures have been updated. Think maroon tub and brass shower fixtures. But, the bones of the house are great and it has the best price of everything we saw. Despite my insistence that we avoid any renovation projects, we put it on the short list.

Thanksgiving has come and gone at this point. It is the beginning of December and I hope to use the time of year to negotiate a better deal given that there likely aren’t many people out and about shopping for homes a few weeks before Christmas.

We discuss the pros and cons of our current possibilities – we love house number 1…but that driveway…and the bedrooms on different floors…and the pool.  And, did I mention that driveway?!?!  We envisioned coming home late at night from some event with the girls in the back of the mini van and it starts snowing as we drive. We arrive at the precipice of our little private mountain and have a scary driveway covered in snow and a car filled with our most precious cargo. Humphf!

House number 2 is still unavailable so it is not worth waiting for a chance to see it. Humphf!

And what about house number 3?  We like it a lot but don’t love it. It’s got space, that’s for sure. And I am confident it would be a fantastic home with a little fluffing but do we want to go through the effort? The potential and the price offer a great deal. And although the town is a bit stuffy, it does have one of the best school districts in the state. However, I’m pretty sure we’d be breaking our own rule of being somewhere that ‘other families that look like us.’  Humphf!

How did this entry turn into an episode of House Hunters?

Anyway, as we continued to search and weigh the pros and cons, we received word that house number 3 had received an offer from someone else and was about to be taken off the market.

Well, crap!

That was enough to push us over the edge. We jumped in with a competing offer. Ours was lower but they gave both parties the opportunity to blindly revise our bids. We did and we won!

I was a bit surprised that in this market we had to go into a bidding battle but we were grateful that we won. However, it happened so quickly that we wondered if we were lured into a decision we weren’t 100% behind.

We decided it was meant to be and proceeded full steam ahead. UNTIL the next morning when I received word from a different agent that house number 2 was now available to be viewed.

Well, crap!

Paul and I talked it over and decided we should take a look just for fun but we were resolute that we made our decision and would stand by our choice. This was just a visit for the sport of it.

We scheduled an early morning appointment to see the home and as we drove up the private road leading to the house, we both glanced at each other and said, ‘ut oh!!!’

It is a magnificent home, built by the current owner’s father who is renowned in the area for building exceptional quality homes. The home is impeccably decorated with a beautiful art collection, lush window treatments, and grand lighting fixtures. It has a dreamy kitchen on a private lot with a screened porch. There’s a place for a play room for the girls and a private office for Paul to work from home.

Honestly, it looked at every requirement on our list and kicked it in the shins as if to say, ‘yeah, I’ve got that…is that all you need?’

Within minutes of leaving the showing, I called Paul on his cell as we drove in different directions, he on his way home and me on my way to the office. 

‘We have GOT to make an offer on this house,’ I told him. He wholeheartedly agreed.

I immediately called the agent giving her the green light and the details of our offer. If they don't accept our offer, we're all set with house number 3 so let's see what happens, I think to myself.

My next call was to my attorney who was working on the contract for the home we just came to terms on and basically said, ‘STALL!  Don’t ask…I’ll tell you tomorrow.’

By the end of the day, we had 2 accepted offers for 2 homes in 2 states with 2 different agents.

Well, crap!

This all happened on a  Friday so I scheduled an inspection of house number 2 on a Saturday morning to make sure there weren’t any major issues before we dumped house number 3. We were grateful that after the three+ hour inspection all checked out and the house was as sturdy as we expected.

….EXCEPT for one little nuance.

I met the homeowner at the inspection and thanked him for accepting our offer, assuring him it was a beautiful home that we look forward to raising our family in. He paused before telling me, ‘Yes, all great. I just have to check one thing with my bank.’

WHAT!?!? I let the comment pass and waited until he is out of earshot before I briskly made my way to his agent to ask what the HELL he was talking about? 

'We already have a deal, don’t we? I am about to dump this other deal for this house!!!'

She said she had no idea what he was referring to but assured me it was nothing to be concerned about.

Well, after a few stressful days of pointed conversation, we learned a few things about an impending divorce from a spouse who is recovering from brain surgery, mortgages nearly under water, unpaid real estate tax bills, and a hefty IRS lien on the home. In short, it was a mess and he basically could NOT sell me the home at the price he agreed because his debts would not clear the purchase price and allow a clear passing of title.

Well, crap!

We thought long and hard about what to do next and realized that our excitement for this home far out shadowed our enthusiasm for house number 3. So, we willfully dumped the deal with house number 3 (luckily their other bidder came back and took the house) and decided to keep looking and/or wait and see what would happen with house number 2 once he figured out how to use his calculator.

The next day, house number 2 was back on the market. However, they increased the price by over 25%. INCREASED the price in this market…crazy!!!

We were incensed and a little depressed so we made an offer on house number 1 thinking we may get a reasonable deal in the days leading up to Christmas. I tried to convince myself that for the right price, I could forget about that driveway. 

No dice. They had just received another offer for near their asking price and I was in NO MOOD to be in another bidding war.

In a matter of days, we went from having 2 deals to none without any prospects.

Well, crap!

We went away for Christmas and decided we’d take a break from looking and revisit the process when we returned in the New Year.

Yeah, right! It sounded nice but I was clicking my heart away at any free chance. Having spent the prior weeks exhausting the inventory that met our criteria, I concluded we needed to expand our search to Connecticut.

I contacted yet another agent that represented that area and made an appointment for us to view a bunch of homes that really looked fantastic online after we returned home.

At the same time, I sent a note to the agent representing us on the botched offer for house number 2 and increased my price with some creative contingencies. More on that in a minute but the agent responded that it was a waste of time because the seller already concluded he couldn’t sell the house for less than x! I kicked her in the shins and forced her to present my offer.

I was on a mission and do not like to lose a negotiation. (Ya think!?!) Always remember this - If you don't ask...you won't get!

Once we returned to the east coast, we saw the homes in Connecticut and quite liked several of them. The problem was that they were far from our current life and we really knew very little about the towns we were searching. We decided to keep exploring to see if we could become comfortable with the area as there were at least 3 homes that we liked a lot.

Then, I got a surprising call about house number 2! He countered my last offer with a number that was a fair bit more than my originally accepted offer but likewise was significantly less than his increased price...you know, the one he HAD to have in order to sell.

It was somewhat absurd how this was proceeding but we really liked the home and figured the effort was worth it if we won the home. I responded with a very direct letter that outlined a final counter offer but this time, they needed to include their art collection, selected furniture pieces, all the lighting and window treatments, and a few other odds and ends. I considered asking for a kidney too (just in case!) but I didn’t want to appear greedy!  Don't ask? ...Don't get!

Long story finally made short – we agreed to new terms and were back in a deal, preparing a contract.

I wish that were the end of the story before the 'happily ever after' part, however, the homeowner hired his divorce attorney to represent him during the contract phase which led to another 3 weeks of INSANE requests and demands as if they were negotiating a settlement with an adversary.

Let's just leave the next part of the story to your imagination but suffice it to say, we got everything we wanted and we hope to move in the first part of April.

Our new HOME! (HOPEFULLY!!!)